I know, the title of this blog sounds like a song lyric from Salt n’ Pepa, or maybe the title of a primer about boogers. Alas, it’s neither of those two worthy subjects. It’s about today’s favorite pastime: Getting into arguments on Facebook. I’m a tiny bit obsessed with them. And I suspect I’m not the only one that likes a little Facebook drama investigation, regardless of how well I know the victims or the perps.
This blog is dedicated to unraveling the crazy ball of yarn that is the Facebook argument. Follow my lead and you’ll be a crack decoder like me. To use one of my favorite Facebook taunts, “read very slowly so you get it.” Ouch!
The first thing any wanna-be detective of Facebook fighting should do is have a solid guiding question with which to deconstruct the crime scene. Here’s mine:
“What the fuck?”
That’s it; that’s what I say every time I see a Facebook cock- or catfight. Asking this question inevitably leads to an analysis of the argument, during which I trace its origins back to when it was a single-syllable organism, limping along at the bottom of a silly political or parenting advice meme, extolling the brilliance of Ted Cruz, or spanking, or spanking Ted Cruz (yuck!).
Once I utter, WTF? it is game on; I have no choice but to track back, using a fair degree of scholarly rigor, to determine exactly who started the dipshittery.
You know you’ve done the same thing; don’t try and deny it. We’ve all flipped our CSI: Facebook visors around, rolled up our sleeves, taken a hit off the hip flask and eagerly hopped over the “do not cross” tape.
So once you’ve verbalized your need to understand, squint at the screen. It helps when you need to get to the bottom of the issue fast, before the next segment of The Bachelor starts. Quickly scan the back-and-forth misspelled insults, unverifiable truth bombs, gross exaggerations, and sweeping generalizations that have been lobbied back and forth since the last commercial break, or for those of you gainfully employed in an office setting, since you last checked Facebook about four minutes ago.
(cue Jeopardy music)
First, scan up or down the thread, it doesn’t matter because it likely won’t make a bit of sense anyway. When you see a goopy blood splatter on the wall, you’re in. Look around for signs of a struggle, like chunks of brain on the linoleum, or torn fingernails, still caked with with dirt and taco bell sauce, a sure sign of the worst struggle of all: dropping your burrito in the dirt, I mean, clinging to one’s opinion, even in the face of supporting data to the contrary.
When you think you’ve got it all figured out, it’s time to bring your crime-solving partner on scene, via rapid fire texts.
Once you have a partner in place and your thumbs all warmed up, it’s time to get down to business, and by business, I mean figuring out two things: who the stupidest one in the “room” is, and who is posing as an uninterested bystander but secretly the victim’s best friend. Begin furiously texting your partner.
To illustrate, I’ve pulled the following transcript from the “Under 13” Facebook Fight Investigators team website. Note: This is not from my kids. I value my life.
“OMG. Check out Kristy’s fb FAST!”
“I’m getting my teeth cleaned.”
“K. Some chick named Doris is in a fight with Kristy’s exs new gf.”
“Doris said Kristy’s exs new gf is a hore”
“LOL. Prolly is gotta spit BRB”
“OMG (crying-laughing emoji)
“Doris said Kristi’s exs new gf likes anal”
“LOL. The dentist just saw that”
“OMG. Doris just said that Kristy’s grandma probably gets more than Kristy’s ex. LMAO”
“LOL. Dentist laughing 2”
“Doris is Kristy’s grandma!”
“WTF? Dentist wants to know how you know that”
“Kristy just said nana stop posting!”
The moral of the story? Don’t fight other people’s battles on Facebook, and don’t get tricked into getting drawn into arguments. There are a few sure signals that indicate you are being baited. Here they are:
- The post begins with, “So I’m just curious…”
- The post continues with, “I’m not looking to argue, but…”
- The post begins with, “I’m not looking to argue, but…”
- The post continues with, “So I’m just curious…”
I witnessed a little scuffle recently that really had me scratching my head. A person was obviously picking a giant booger of a fight with someone he couldn’t be more far apart with politically or planetarily, not to mention intellectually. His thinly disguised chum trail began with, “Let me ask you a question, as the local expert in _________________.”
I mean, you could just hear the snarkiness dripping from the screen. But this one backfired. In less than 25 syllables, the woman he picked a fight with disemboweled him, making him look like an utter asshole. But did he let that stop him? No way. He had his jackass saddled up and he was determined to ride him around the barnyard backward and blindfolded, until the dumb beast accidentally found its way back into the stable.
My advice to people who like to pick Facebook fights: If you need attention that badly, visit an old folks home; they need it too, and they’ll light up at the sight of a visitor walking through the door. They’ll believe anything you tell them and you’ll hear endless compliments about how handsome and smart you are. Just be careful not to piss off anyone named Doris.
Next time: Facebook Begging: Short posts like: “Well, that really sucked,” or “Feeling overwhelmed” and how to ignore them.