So the next time I see you, the only thing I want to hear you say is “M’Chucksas” (“hello” in Sierra Nevada Miwok), sucker.
A great thing about being a writer is that I can cleverly disguise things as humorous rants in my blog, or my column, which would otherwise be tricky to tell people to their face. Did I just blow my cover? Oh, rats.
So without further ado, here’s my Top Ten Things That Really Bug Me:
10. People who get offended when I forget something. I come from a long line of short-term memory deficient people. I am a mass-murderer of Post-its, the evidence of which is all over my house, stuck on mirrors, computer monitors, and doors, bossing me around to do various things, like “water at 11”; “take hamburger out” and “wipe.” So whether you are one of my kids, a fancy doctor, a receptionist for a fancy doctor, my husband (never!) or a sanitation engineer, don’t act like I invented not remembering something.
When I forget crap, it’s because I’m busy concentrating, and by concentrating, I mean thinking about more important stuff, like how many mouths I’m feeding at the next meal, how I’m going to get those mouths fed and pull off being in four places at one time (board meeting, snack shack, soccer game and basketball meeting), or my newest strategy for finally becoming a world-class body builder.
And people expect me to remember that they need more deodorant? Or that I promised someone six months ago they could clean my teeth at 1:45 yesterday? Puh-lease.
9. Other people’s messes. Leave it the way you found it. Found it clean and tidy? Leave it the same way. Found it messy? Don’t add to the mess. Why should every person clean as they go, as often as they can? Because if they don’t it becomes someone else’s job. Unless you are hemorrhaging or late for practice (nothing tops that), when you leave a mess behind you might as well also leave a note that says, “Hi. Clean up my crap. I couldn’t be bothered.”
So whether it’s shoes, dishes or toxic waste (you listening, corporate ‘Merica?), clean up after yourself. If you make gobs of profits each year but can’t find the money to do it safely, without disturbing another person’s clean air, water or way of life, you’re twice as terrible as those who do it out of laziness. Shame on you.
8. Lotion or shampoo containers that don’t allow you to unscrew the top in order to retrieve every last drop. I am not okay throwing a half-inch of conditioner away in a bottle that cost me $22. (Just kidding, honey. I would never spend $22 on a bottle of conditioner. I’m exaggerating for effect.)
7. Loud, sustained noises when I’m trying to hear myself think.
6. School projects that require construction. Teachers, are you telling me that kids understand the historical ramifications of ancient Rome because they constructed the coliseum over the weekend? “Just use things you find around your house,” you say? Sure, my kid is going to bring a scale model of the coliseum made from popsicle sticks, duct tape and dryer lint and plop it down next to the one made from a shopping spree at Michael’s. It becomes a competition, which doesn’t help my kid appreciate a day in the life of an average Roman citizen. I don’t care if you play Roman charades! Just please don’t make me spend a bunch of money on stuff in the name of learning and burn my fingers with hot glue. For those teachers who offer options, for the many types of learners, and budgets, thank you.
5,4,3,2,and 1:This one gets the final five spots on my Top Ten List of Things That Bug Me because it’s that important: Ignorance. More specifically, people who are outraged at a commercial depicting people singing “America the Beautiful” in various languages. This website, http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_languages_of_the_Americas, explains what people were speaking before immigrants (ancestors of ignoramuses, by the way) came to the Americas and not only refused to learn the home turf language, but killed the Americans and took their property.