Why I Will Never be President

There are a few reasons why I will never be president, even though I meet all of the official criteria as laid out in the U.S. Constitution:

1. I am over the age of 35 (barely).
2. I was born in the capital of a state.
3. My dad regularly burned things on the BBQ when I was growing up.

Even if I satisfied every legal-ish requirement, like having large hands, which I do not, it’s unlikely I could win even a single primary or cactus, although I’m not sure why it’s important to bring home succulents in some states. The reason why I’m unelectable stems from one core belief that seems to suddenly be waning in popularity among some key players, and by key players, I mean, window-licking knuckleheads. Unfortunately, this belief makes up the entirety of my platform. That’s right, I have one bullet point, but it’s a doozy:

Unfettered access to free birth control, regardless of age, gender, weight or shoe size.

That’s right: Free birth control for all my friends—not just those lucky enough to be born in a blue state. In fact, I’d call for a Mr. Softee truck (no pun intended) to roll slowly through neighborhoods as a mobile dispensary, starting with our poorest communities. No ID., no parental permission, no money, no problem. Here’s the rationale: If a person is having sex, especially an underage person, that person needs birth control. I don’t care why, I don’t care where, and I don’t care how many times they were told not to. I only care about one thing: giving all men and women, even the young ones who aren’t old enough to vote, a way to keep themselves healthy and not pregnant.

Fact: Men can pick up birth control for their bodies virtually 24 hours a day: in drug stores, mini-marts, and nightclub bathrooms. That is what I call unfettered access to birth control. Anything less for women is bullcrap.

Based on the 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance (YRBS) data, published by ReCapp, “a non-profit agency that provides practical tools and information to effectively reduce sexual risk-taking behaviors,” 47% of high school students reported having sexual intercourse. The good news is that from 1991–2013, the proportion of students who ever had sexual intercourse decreased from 54% to 47%. Best of all: The percent of adolescents who are having sex at earlier ages has decreased since 1988 and contraceptive use has increased since the 1990s.

Let’s break this down into plain English: Kids are doing it, but less than they were doing it prior to 1991, and more of them who are doing it are using birth control! At this rate, if we just stay the heck out of their way, and keep doing what we’ve been doing, which includes funding and encouraging the use of Planned Parenthood facilities, the approximately 42 or so kids who are still doing it by 2020 will surely all be using birth control!

Here is another statistic, published by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services:

“Between 1990 and 2010 (the most recent year for which data are available), the teen pregnancy rate declined by 51%—from 116.9 to 57.4 pregnancies per 1,000 teen girls. According to recent national data, this decline is due to the combination of an increased percentage of adolescents who are waiting to have sexual intercourse and the increased use of contraceptives by teens.^”

Food does not cause hunger, water does not cause thirst, and birth control does not cause sex. But it’s sure helpful to have all of them around when you need them.

Any parent who cries, “Nobody better be giving my child, who is having sex without my knowledge, a way to prevent him or her from becoming a parent or getting an STD!” makes as much sense to me as one who says, “No one better grab the arm of my child who wanders out into the street in front of a truck when I’m not next to him or her, without my permission!”

Wake up and smell the spermicide, people. Our best strategy right now is to keep doing what we’re doing: Educate our kids about the responsibilities that come with sexual activity, as well as the consequences, encourage abstinence, but leave that medicine cabinet unlocked and accessible. In other words, more and more of them are making smarter and smarter decisions, so let’s stay out of their way.

It’s good for individuals, and it’s good for society.