Since the beginning of this whole COVID-19 fucked up fiasco, which I’ve renamed FUF-20, I’ve been thinking things and wondering if other people are thinking them too.
For example, how many people reading this have seriously considered having a cocktail with breakfast? Or better yet, for breakfast? I’m not talking about a mimosa or a bloody beer. I’m talking gin and tonic, or a 12-year old Scotch, neat.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not yet drinking a breakfast of champions, I’m just wondering if other people are, and more to the point of this blog, if other people are wondering if people might be doing it. This obviously begs the question, “If a person is wondering about whether other people are doing something, does that mean they also must be thinking about doing it?” Is it a slippery slope?
That answer is “no.” At least, it’s a “no” for me (today).
And what about food? I’ve had some thoughts about food, in between bites of it. When do we stop eating? Will the “food shortage” being teased in the media actually save me from myself, or will I die of complications from diabetes long before COVID-19 has a crack at me? How do I know when to stop eating chips and salsa? When the chips and salsa supply chain finally dries up, or when I’m full?
Speaking of, what happened to being full? Where did that feeling go? Is it hiding somewhere, along with the feeling of being tired? What is there to be tired from, anyway? Surely, it’s not running errands, or having too many meetings or appointments or activities.
In fact, I was just telling my husband the other day that I’ve finally gotten what I’ve been wanting for years: a week where I have nothing to do. Just one week. I used to look at my calendar on Sunday nights for the upcoming week and let out an audible little “Yay!” if there were less than three appointments, including excursions to neighboring counties, meetings, or even social engagements. But zero? Never. The elusive event-free week, like the snow leopard, escaped me week after week.
Until now. Now, it’s week after week of nothing. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Moving right along, I’m also thinking about sleeping, mainly between 2:30 a.m. and 4:30 a.m., when I’m not sleeping. About every third night I wake up in a panic, unsure of what time it is. Have I slept through a meal, or god forbid, a cocktail? Did I tip the bartender? Is that the bartender sleeping next to me? Am I in big trouble? Is it 3 a.m., or did I just lay down for a nap after taking a shower at 2 o’clock in the afternoon?
This reminds me of my grandpa in the last few months of his life. His doctor said he had what was called “Sundowners Syndrome,” which occurs when people basically do nothing at all around the clock except stare out the window from their bed and lose their sense of morning and night and time and space and underwear and the location of their deodorant. Well, maybe those last couple things are my special version of Sundowners Syndrome.
Speaking of nothing to do, I have so few things to do that when one thing to do does comes along, like cleaning the garage, or watering a houseplant, I can’t bear the burden. How can I possibly fill up that pitcher of water and walk across the room and pour all that water while I’m standing there and then have to walk back and put the pitcher away…waaaaaa.
Let’s see, what other things have I been thinking that you might be thinking…Okay, here’s one: I’ve been wondering how many people might be so bored they’re willing to try new things they normally would never entertain, like learning to use a pogo stick, or butt play. Get your mind out of the gutter! I didn’t say “use a pogo stick FOR butt play.” Gosh. But now that you’ve mentioned it, I’d like to know what percentage of the “never the butt” folk have decided to give it a whirl?
To be honest, I have spent time doing a little scientific research amongst my peers with regard to sex, and the data indicates that sex lives are improving for those lucky enough to be quarantined with someone they like. The reason? Every time might be the last, so ya better give it your all. Or as Ice Cube said…on second thought, nevermind.
So I can’t help but wonder, is everyone thinking what I’m thinking? Is anyone thinking what I’m thinking? Who is in charge of compiling the monumental amount of data that FUF-20 is providing? I can’t do everything. I’m very busy thinking, and of course, eating, drinking, and…pogo sticking.